Sunday, April 03, 2005

I'm Broken

I guess from the title, it is obvious that I'm going to write something depressing again. Not my fault...I mean things just happen. Where do I start? From the beginning. Hmm...Can I just first say that I finally bought a birthday present for myself. I bought the Linkin Park's book From the Inside last Saturday It was kinda expensive, well S$ 43+ for a book on a band which...well...okay, I did hesitate if I should get the book. But I was kinda so sad last last Saturday (having totally lost my long-awaited long weekend doing stupid things for other people who didn't seem to appreciate it much) that I just felt I needed to reward and comfort myself. Hence, why I bought the book. It's okay, I'm pretty satisfied about it.

My Chinese birthday was actually last Monday (March 28, 2005). In following the tradition that my dad so eager to keep, I got myself a boiled egg and ate it. The aunties actually gave it for me for free. They even offered to peel it off for me. I felt so blessed that people can be so kind to me. However, life as people keep on telling me this week is somewhat hard and on times unfair. On that day, my chinese birthday, which was actually an auspicious day, unfortunate event actually happened to me. Someone said something to me that caused me to kinda fall apart. My last breakdown is less than a year ago. See...It's so sad that I couldn't keep a clean sheet for even a year. Yeah, I do sound like an addict or something like that. To fight addiction, addict needs to get professional help or at least a sponsor like the ones they have in AA meeting or something like that. 2 things that I didn't have. I didn't get any professional help to assess my mental state and help me to see things better and I also don't have anyone who is close enough to really watch over me. Yes, I do know that there are people who genuinely try their best to make me feel better, they are even still trying up until now. However that Monday, when it happened, there was noone. So I cried so madly. I cried to God, shouted for help. I just lost it. It was bad, seriously and I really couldn't take this kinda thing anymore. The tears couldn't seem to stop. I mean after half an hour + you would think that okay, it's done, but the tears kept on coming back. I called home because I needed to. I needed to talk to my mom. Dad was the one who answered the phone. Amazingly he didn't scold me when I told him the story. My dad! Who likes to demand quite a lot from me and show little appreciation. The fact that he didn't say it's my fault and told me not be discouraged instead really comforted me. I cried again of course on the phone. Then there's mom, who told me to be strong and be acceptance towards people who are like that. They made me feel better because then I felt that I'm not totally bad, like I did something right, and I'm not useless. Yeah, you may say that they are bias because they are my folks, but hey, I guess God was just trying to answer to my shouting in the toilet. Anyway, that night ended with quite a swollen eyes but for the first time I slept pretty well. I guess I'm just so tired that day. I still got awoken once in the night and still got awoken earlier than I supposed to, but I just felt somewhat fulfilled when I woke up. The next following days leading to today went quite bearable. Not that they went perfectly fine, but I managed to get through. Someone actually said that I always look happy. Yeah right! She didn't know that I'm such a disturbed girl. The body seemed to handle it differently though. I couldn't really eat much, I didn't even feel hungry sometime. I was having so much difficulty in finishing my breakfast every morning, felt like vomiting each time I swallowed. I actually feel like I'm getting skinnier

Anyway, since I'm pretty...Well let's just say I'm more towards deep sadness and fear rather than anger, I, of course, resolute to Linkin Park Well! I need to be so much more conscious in this difficult time. People do piss me off. I mean I feel like I am being stabbed in the back. I don't think that people can be like that, but I guess they do. Sometime no matter how hard you try, they just don't think you try hard enough, they don't appreciate it, and it really brings me down. I'm questioning if I was useless, if I am the problem. People try to convince me that I'm not and yet I still waver. Rista was saying that she knew me as a strong girl. I don't know if I ever was, maybe I was and now I am getting weaker. You think that by going through things alone and having to take care of myself, I would grow stronger. The truth is I feel that I'm getting weaker. Maybe when that walls of protection from family and closest friends are gone, you kinda get so vulnerable and when you got attacked you just got weaker...and weaker. I'm sorry people. I don't mean to be suicidal, but I am just really tired. Hmm...just wanna say that I'm not really that mad about the people involved because the fear that I have about this situation is bigger than all the dumb things people did. I hope no more dramatic things are going to happen. Man, what am I? Living in soap opera? Anyway...Back to the Linkin Park topic. So yeah, been hearing their songs every morning to prep me to face the day ahead. There are 2 songs that suddenly really jumped to my mind: A Place For My Head and Hit The Floor. I'm just going to put Hit The Floor here. I know the upper hand will never be mine and I should never hope for revenge, so I'm just going to make do with this song to kinda cheer me up

There are just too many times that people have tried to look inside of me wondering what I think of you and I protect you out of courtesy. Too many times that I've held on when I needed to push away. Afraid to say what was on my mind. Afraid to say what I need to say. Too many things that you've said about me when I'm not around. You think having the upper hand means you've got to keep putting me down. But I've had too many stand-offs with you. It's about as much as I can stand. Just wait until the upper hand is mine.

So many people like me put so much trust in all your lies. So concerned with what you think to just say what we feel inside. So many people like me walk on eggshells all day long. All I know is that all I want is to feel like I'm not stepped on. There are so many things you say that make me feel like you've crossed the line. What goes up will surely fall and I'm counting down the time 'Cause I've had so many stand-offs with you. It's about as much as I can stand. So I'm waiting until the upper hand is mine

One minute you're on top. The next you're not. Watch it drop. Making your heart stop. Just before you hit the floor.
One minute you're on top. The next you're not. Missed your shot. Making your heart stop. You think you won.

And then it's all gone

I know I'll never trust a single thing you say. You knew your lies would divide us but you lied anyway. And all the lies have got you floating up above us all. But what goes up has got to fall!

Mean? Well I don't f**king care. Okay the positive thing out of this is that I realize actually I have people that genuinely care for me. It's kinda overwhelming because I don't really get why they would care so much. Thank you God. I'm seriously so thankful for all the people who tried to cheer me up and all. Sorry for still being so depressed. The worries and fear is still there. Hmm...let's talk something nicer My crush HaHa People are actually so interested with this. Yeah, me publicizing it, is asking for questions A guy said that he must be some guy for being able to make me change my nickname just like that. Hhmm...I don't know but I guess he's quite an opinionated person, with brain. Intriguing for me, but again this kinda people maybe too much to handle. Anyway, I think as usual it will go nowhere. I think he has someone It's okay...A girl doesn't live on guys alone

:) eKa @ 12:47:00 AM •